Office Christmas Party Rules of Play
It's that time of year again. You've been dreading it since Halloween and now it's upon us, riding us for all it's worth. Office Christmas Party Season. Like NFL football and yearly prostate exams, it seems like Christmas Party Season comes earlier and earlier every go round. For some of us... for me of us, this is the rookie year of Christmas Party Season. I for one could have used some preseason prepping, but now it's too late. My first big-time, big boy, big ballroom shindig is over and done with. It's in the history books, and unlike my college history books, these get looked at.
What do I mean? What do you mean, what do I mean? Think man... this stuff is important. Consider this: As a member of a company, you are an investment... or maybe more accurately, a bet. Your bosses have put $20 on Daddy's Striped Tie in the third. And where is the finish line? The Office Christmas Party. This is the time of year that all the horses, and in some cases dogs, gather into the winner circle to get the big check. So, don't think they're not looking for broken legs and saddle soars as you come down the final strecth.
Some people like to compare Office Christmas Party Season to politics. I obviously see it as sport. So, now that we've established what's at stake - your job - let me give you some pages from the playbook. I think if we all study the plays really hard we can beat Farmer's Polytechnic this year. I - Hate - Them - So - Much! So let's begin. GOOOOO Beavers!!! (We play for the beavers)
1) Always look behind you before you say anything about anybody. Even good things. ESPECIALLY bad things. Failure to do so can mean automatic rejection.
2) Despite the fact that there is an open, and very inviting bar, keep drinking to a minimum. This is a big one. Maybe the biggest one. I'm not saying, "Don't drink." That would be antisocial, and honestly impossible. Just keep it in check. A good rule is to have a drink an hour, or one drink per rotation of the Boss Boss around the room (adjust appropriately for room size). Remember the broken legs I was talking about earlier? Yeah. Alcoholism is a broken leg.
3) Dress 20% better than your average work attire. Unless you work at a strip club, in which case dress 100% better. Well, actually maybe they dress down for parties too. I bet they do... Hmmmm, interesting mental pictures. Oh no, not Santa. NOOOOOO. Great, now I'm scarred. But you get the point. Don't be hackin' it out on the field. Look like you give a shit.
4) Be in a personable mood. No one wants to be there, but everyone has to. So at least make the effort to interact in conversations. This counts doubly with higher ups. Let them know you can string some words together. Keep the talk civil. Don't mention your court mandated ankle beacon. MMMMMMM beacon. Do mention how great the job is, how nice the ass is that you're kissing, and how much you hope profits for big tobacco or fire arms, or whatever you work for, continue to rise. Repeat names when introduced. Show up ready to play.
5) Enjoy the party for what it has to offer. Remember, there are free shrimp and cheese. You don't have this at home. Eat them politely but veraciously. Let the boss know you appreciate what they're doing here. It makes them feel big. Just don't take a pocketbook full of finger foods home with you. Leave it all out on the field.
6) Plan bathroom and smoke breaks to coincide with the Christmas caroling. You're just going to sit there and make wise cracks during the whole thing if you stick around. There are some things that you just can't beat. You being a smart ass is one of them. The best offense is a good defense.
7) Plan your escape carefully. Try to stay just long enough to get the after-dinner coffee. Don't be tempted by the bar once you've made it this far. Have some caffeine to wake you up, because by now you're bored as hell. Use that energy to give everybody that matters a short, sweet, and seemingly sober goodbye. Leave. Don't look back at the ones that fell behind. It's too sad. Celebrate the victory back in the locker room. Don't dump the Gatorade cooler on your boss. Remember this is just an analogy.
8) Finally, if at all possible... JUST DON'T GO. Look at it as a first round by. You're too good for this stuff. You can show off in the finals at the company picnic. I mean, no top shelf liquor!?! What is this, little league? I'm thinking of going free agent. Salary cap my ass. Stupid owners in their skyboxes. Oops, sorry. Yeah, best if you sit this one out.
So, follow these simple plays, plus a lot of other ones that unfortunately Chunks, the office linebacker, ate with a creamy Caesar dressing during the first course, and you should kick some serious ass during Office Christmas Party Season.
PS... There is an entire subset on Office Party Romantic Encounters. But let's just say that you're not playing at that level yet.
What do I mean? What do you mean, what do I mean? Think man... this stuff is important. Consider this: As a member of a company, you are an investment... or maybe more accurately, a bet. Your bosses have put $20 on Daddy's Striped Tie in the third. And where is the finish line? The Office Christmas Party. This is the time of year that all the horses, and in some cases dogs, gather into the winner circle to get the big check. So, don't think they're not looking for broken legs and saddle soars as you come down the final strecth.
Some people like to compare Office Christmas Party Season to politics. I obviously see it as sport. So, now that we've established what's at stake - your job - let me give you some pages from the playbook. I think if we all study the plays really hard we can beat Farmer's Polytechnic this year. I - Hate - Them - So - Much! So let's begin. GOOOOO Beavers!!! (We play for the beavers)
1) Always look behind you before you say anything about anybody. Even good things. ESPECIALLY bad things. Failure to do so can mean automatic rejection.
2) Despite the fact that there is an open, and very inviting bar, keep drinking to a minimum. This is a big one. Maybe the biggest one. I'm not saying, "Don't drink." That would be antisocial, and honestly impossible. Just keep it in check. A good rule is to have a drink an hour, or one drink per rotation of the Boss Boss around the room (adjust appropriately for room size). Remember the broken legs I was talking about earlier? Yeah. Alcoholism is a broken leg.
3) Dress 20% better than your average work attire. Unless you work at a strip club, in which case dress 100% better. Well, actually maybe they dress down for parties too. I bet they do... Hmmmm, interesting mental pictures. Oh no, not Santa. NOOOOOO. Great, now I'm scarred. But you get the point. Don't be hackin' it out on the field. Look like you give a shit.
4) Be in a personable mood. No one wants to be there, but everyone has to. So at least make the effort to interact in conversations. This counts doubly with higher ups. Let them know you can string some words together. Keep the talk civil. Don't mention your court mandated ankle beacon. MMMMMMM beacon. Do mention how great the job is, how nice the ass is that you're kissing, and how much you hope profits for big tobacco or fire arms, or whatever you work for, continue to rise. Repeat names when introduced. Show up ready to play.
5) Enjoy the party for what it has to offer. Remember, there are free shrimp and cheese. You don't have this at home. Eat them politely but veraciously. Let the boss know you appreciate what they're doing here. It makes them feel big. Just don't take a pocketbook full of finger foods home with you. Leave it all out on the field.
6) Plan bathroom and smoke breaks to coincide with the Christmas caroling. You're just going to sit there and make wise cracks during the whole thing if you stick around. There are some things that you just can't beat. You being a smart ass is one of them. The best offense is a good defense.
7) Plan your escape carefully. Try to stay just long enough to get the after-dinner coffee. Don't be tempted by the bar once you've made it this far. Have some caffeine to wake you up, because by now you're bored as hell. Use that energy to give everybody that matters a short, sweet, and seemingly sober goodbye. Leave. Don't look back at the ones that fell behind. It's too sad. Celebrate the victory back in the locker room. Don't dump the Gatorade cooler on your boss. Remember this is just an analogy.
8) Finally, if at all possible... JUST DON'T GO. Look at it as a first round by. You're too good for this stuff. You can show off in the finals at the company picnic. I mean, no top shelf liquor!?! What is this, little league? I'm thinking of going free agent. Salary cap my ass. Stupid owners in their skyboxes. Oops, sorry. Yeah, best if you sit this one out.
So, follow these simple plays, plus a lot of other ones that unfortunately Chunks, the office linebacker, ate with a creamy Caesar dressing during the first course, and you should kick some serious ass during Office Christmas Party Season.
PS... There is an entire subset on Office Party Romantic Encounters. But let's just say that you're not playing at that level yet.
posted by Reefflop | 10:12 PM
1 Comments:
has something for everyone. Come on by and check it out soon Enjoy. :)
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