My Very First Retraction

I was surprised I was able to make it this far without having to publish a retraction. When you consider the fact that almost none of these musings are based on fact, and that together they form a beautiful gleaming castle built of lies and exaggerations, you would think retractions would be a daily occurrence. But no, this will be my premier retraction. I’m so nervous. I hope I don’t puke on my shoes.

As a special surprise, I’m bringing back an old friend to help me through this hard admittance of truth. Someone to shift the blame from falling squarely on my shoulders, someone who isn’t ashamed to get dirty, someone with absolutely no class and no mass: “The Editorial WE!”

*****Editorial Retraction*****

We here at B&C hold journalistic truthitude as a top-10 priority. It falls somewhere behind #7, always keep a drawer well stocked with condiment packages, napkins, and jerky in case of emergency picnics. And # 5, North Meck High School football rules!! Telling the truth does, however, come in right before #10, Lie whenever the opportunity presents itself. So, in keeping with these arbitrary rules that we just in fact made up, and which are in fact lies, we’re publishing this retraction to get the story straight and give credit where credit is due.

In this case we feel that credit is due to G. B. Stoves. Stoves recently brought a fact to our attention. Then he brought a hammer to our attention and proceeded to explain what one had to do with the other. Ouch. The fact: He was the original proclaimer of Reaching Day.

On Tuesday December 7, 2004, in an article titled, “Reaching Day: Just as good as Boxing Day,” The following line appeared: “This remarkable deed of utter slothfulness caused me to proclaim, ‘I proclaim today, Reaching Day!’”

According to G. B., this is not how it happened. We at B&C have no memory at all of the original Reaching Day, in fact we would doubt its existence all together except for the fact that the phrase, “I proclaim it Reaching Day,” was repeated ad nauseum throughout the following months. But for us to claim to be the original profit and announcer of Reaching Day, was unacceptable to G. Brent, and after he cried some and ran around the room waving the hammer, we agreed to write this retraction.

So now you know the truth. We for one think the whole thing is stupid as hell. Who really cares! It’s a made up holiday based on arm-span. But if G. B. wants to be a baby about it, we’ll print the stupid retraction. But, we didn’t mean it and in our hearts we hold an abiding belief that everything we write is as good as truth and that G. B. Stoves is a whining toddler in man-sized clothes. We’ve never wanted to punch a toddler so bad.