Chad S. Brice Tells Tales Out of School... er... work.

Today we have a very special treat for you all (as long as you think stories about inner-office inside jokes that you don’t fully get are special treats). B&C staff writer and reigning poet laureate, Chad S. Brice, has deviated from his normal tome of mediocre lyrical verse to bring us a true story of an office miracle.

“What miracle?” you may ask. Well I’m glad you asked. It is the miracle of making fun of sweet, confused old ladies. This is a story as old as time, and as new as last week. This is a story of the impudence of youth versus the bewilderment of age. This time I think I’m pulling for the old lady to kick Chad S. Brice’s wise-ass white ass. But we will see who wins in heaven.

So without further ado… here is the enthralling and edifying story of youthful indiscretion. (HaHa… Chad’s impudent)

Old mother Dumberd
By chad S. Brice

Office jokes often grow into an elaborate conglomerate of coincidences that result in an extremely funny prank at someone’s expense. The following story is how comedy can be a product of genius as well as stupidity. I wanted to lighten the mood of the blog since it had taken on a self-loathing tone. I know that all involved in its production are capable of similar greatness. Unlike most comedy productions, we here at Bottles and Cans do recommend that you try these things at home or work or school or in public (preferably drunk).

This story begins with a very menial task given to a group of new hires at a psychiatric research center. The group of three was instructed to find pictures of children making different expressions to be used in therapy sessions. We will call our heroes Suzie, Donnie and me. Magazines and scissors were provided for the task, but these recent college grads turned to a much stronger tool. They knew the power of GOOOOOGLE!!!! During their search, many strange pictures were found. One that was debated, both for its appropriateness for a surprised face and for its humor, was saved.

This picture did not make the cut for being used in the therapy boxes, but it was exhibited in one female research assistant’s office for a short time. When questioned, Suzie claimed that the picture was of her and Donnie’s office lovechild. This is the part where I sing the old Motown song, “Lovechild.” This joke ran for a while until the picture was taken down for its inappropriateness. It often resurfaced on website and newspaper ad prototypes as filler where other unattained photos should go. The lovechild eventually became known to an enclave of the center revolving around a certain anxiety study.

Months passed and the lovechild remained unseen for many of them. In December, the entire center (including those who were unfamiliar with the lovechild) gathered for the annual work Christmas party. There was a “White Elephant” gift exchange and a big covered dish luncheon. I ran the gift exchange and made sure that people played by the rules. I got a bottle of wine, Donnie got a toy and an Abraham Lincoln tree ornament and Suzie got a stuffed snowman holding a picture frame. This is when the lovechild resurfaced. Donnie suggested that the lovechild be honored in the frame in Suzie’s office once again. The image was enlarged to fit the frame and all who saw it were struck with laughter.

This is where the story takes a turn. My office had been in close proximity to the sweet, backstabbing older lady who loves nothing more than a baby or a puppy. She has collected dozens of pictures of the children and dogs of office employees. She spends many of her work hours adoring them. She often will draw attention to pictures that have been there for years and that she has pointed out already at least a dozen times. She also often sends presents and tattle-tale emails. She is perplexingly sweet and evil and is not to be trusted. Let’s call her Vendetta.

I felt it unfair to hoard the lovechild and not to share his joy with the rest of the office building. I had another copy printed of the little guy. I found a spot on her door that was void of pictures, right between a newborn and my dog with a small child. This spot happened to be in the dead center of the door. Within the next ten minutes of the picture being posted, the following email was sent to the entire building.

A picture of a very cute little baby appeared on my door while I was out. Who would like to claim this little cutie? Reason I ask is, so many people ask who's who when they look at my door.

Thanks,

Vendetta



I immediately received emails and phone calls, because everyone knew that Vendetta and I were on thin ice to begin with and I was obviously the culprit. Instead of being angry, I received applause and suggestions for follow-up. Many believed that the email should go untouched, but others believed that the identity of the child as Donnie and Suzie’s would send Vendetta into shock. I would like advice from the group on how to optimize an already funny situation.

[Editor’s Note] B&C does not condone sending old ladies into moral shock. We do condone “love children.” We also condone Abraham Lincoln ornaments, Taco Bell fire sauce on breakfast biscuits, Odor Eaters Insoles, and mocking small children. As for advice for Chad’s situation, we condone Vendetta kicking his ass.