Damn these modern lawns

It’s time to get this blog back on focus. We’ve really let our original theme slide over the past couple weeks. In fact, what was our theme? Oh yeah, there it is at the top of the page. “A tribute to inanimate objects.” What were we thinking? That idea has the sustainability of a Democratic run for the presidency. (We know, we still hurt a little, too) It’s time to fire the intern that thought up this one. I mean, what have inanimate objects done for us lately? If it weren’t for us they would be nothing. Nothiiinnng! But, if that’s what the blog says, that’s what the blog does. Let’s see… Inanimate… Hmm, let’s try a little something that we here in the B&C creative department call free association. Psychologists use this too, but they use it for evil. So, inanimate: Old dogs, shag carpeting, vacuum cleaners, lawnmowers, yards… Yeah YARDS! I’m mad at my yard. I mean, we’re mad at our yard. This could work.

We thought it was over. We thought we had vanquished the foe for yet another year. But, now the rebellion continues, defying all logic: The rebellion that is: the evil beauty that is: the bane of our existence that is: The Lawn. This year was a good one for The Lawn, as it single grassedly defeated its archenemy: The Ralph. The Ralph is the name of the now deceased lawnmower. As the dog days of summer wound to an end The Yard, in a last surge of full-on chlorophyll will, shot up to new heights, heights that murdered the old and exhausted The Ralph. In his last choking strokes The Ralph could be heard to mutter, "The Grass, you have outwitted me. We will meet again on the fields of Hell!" He either said that, or, "I told you I needed oil, you dummy."

Never-the-less, the lawn could not win so easily. This aggression, as well as the grass that had brung it, could not stand, man. So, in a move that drained the shallow pool that is The Rodchester (aka The Checking Account) a new mower was purchased. This new mower, with an entire 1/2 horsepower of increased power de la horse and 2 full inches of expanded blade diameter, was christened The Jorge. The Jorge won the early battles over The Grass. It powered through with the unstoppable fury of grass murderousness. The Jorge slew blade and weed alike, showing no mercy even for small twigs, while at the same time winning the hearts and minds of local shrubs and perennials.

Now, a month later, The Yard is making its last stand. The Yard has found The Jorge’s weak point. Persistence. With its secret weapon, Le Onion (which is French for “never dying yard crop that tastes horrible despite its inviting smell”) The Yard has proven to be an untamable beast. The cold and The Jorge have failed to stop it. Now encouraged by some late season warmth, rain, and the fertilizing power of the dung of neighborhood dogs, The Yard is making its last bid to win the battle for homeland dominance. This is The Yard's The Alamo. "Remeber The Yardimo!" (as it will come to be called) will echo through the fields of unmowed grasses for generations to come. Will The Jorge overcome and kill The Yard? Only time and the one they call The Pusher will tell. Umm, no… Yard wins. The Neighbor can come over and cut it again if it pisses him off so much. Screw that thing.